that just happened

Hey Fillis! I am going to put up a somewhat controversial stance as to what I think you are trying to get across. Not that I disagree with what you have said in entirety but to more or less let you know what I think other people a little less liberal than me (me 3 years ago) would respond back… savy?

The staggering statistics of that enormously great amount of people in poverty is enough to make anyone doubt the existence of an old white overseer. We don’t know exactly who is to blame for such a sad situation so we distribute the blame among a few different targets which supposedly puts us one step closer to solving the problem and helps us to feel like we are NOT part of the collective of arrogant ungreatfuls who never deserved to be in such a state of ease to begin with. I have often observed that the foremost of these targets is God and those who believe in HIm. It is my opinion that the existence of God was never meant to be questioned by the existence of sadness, but rather the purpose and happiness of God was to be fulfilled in relieving it. You clearly have deemed a white middle class “believer” to be a careless individual who finds security from world issues in his belief of the unseen… and I’ve seen that too. But if God is real, I think you would find no resemblance between such a person and the old white overseer himself. I have seen a white middle class believer inspired by his or her belief in God, reach out to those born in hopeless circumstances and give hope. In fact I’ve seen a whole charitable and caring collective of them known by the name of The Church of Jesus Christ of latter-day Saints. It is their belief in the nature and existence of God that motivates them to love not only the unseen being, but also those who they believe He created. It is unfortunate that the topic of God and “what is right to God” have spawned a world wide battle field that creates hostile and doubtful feelings toward ones belief in Him. It would definitely be advantageous to separate the beliefs’ in God from the misunderstood and poorly communicated disagreements about Him.

For one reason or another the development and use of technology has always been placed as a nemeses to the way God works. But I am certain that the God I perceive to be real is not one who would wait for prayers before He intervened in the world hunger/poverty/over-population issue. Rather I know that He is one that would have us seek His council through prayer… and then have us act according to the dictates of our feelings, knowledge, resources, ect. As in the case of Oliver Cowdery, asking was simply not enough. It wasn’t until he would use his God given faculties to produce results himself, that God would intervene. A revolutionary heart surgery was developed through such stratagem by one of the members of the twelve years ago… I don’t think that it would be much of a stretch to say that the television may have been also.

Yes, i do believe in a “fair” God, yet there is nothing fair about the large percent of the worlds population born into a virtual opportunity free environment…. right? I’m am confident in saying that their unfortunate present is a result of someone’s foolish past, a past that God had no ability to change at the given time it took place, cuz it would not have been “fair” for Him to do so. So what do you call fair? The poor kid who had no decision in being born to a poor father, or God making a man rich even though he didn’t use all of those faculties that Oliver learned about. If only we could have a perfect knowledge of every individual circumstances past, present, and future we wouldn’t be so apt to point the finger eh. So what do we “know”, well supposedly we know that God loves His children, and seeks to test us in such a way that we might grow to love them just as much as He does. My money should not affect the results of that test… should it? If it does, than it is clear that I love money more than His children… and the test is failed for the time being. I dare say that I poor kid in India who lives on $2.50 a day may not have a pair of $50 USkicks, but no one ever needed those to realize the divine potential and worth of a soul. Heck brah, I realized the worth of a human being when I was in a soulless, tattered, water raped, worn out pair of rockports walkin up and down some run down streets in East L.A. County, where my bike was the mode of transportation and I lived off of 5 bucks a day! And I know others who had even less than that… so do you! Yeah, I know that isn’t as exact comparison to those of focus but I think you feel me.

Friend, there’s no doubt about it. God, whether real or just a soothing idea, was never meant to inspire apathy and stagnancy. Christ did not come to improve God’s view of man, he came to improve man’s view of God and we can see that there was a great necessity for such enlightenment then, just as there is now. I think that how you have expressed your feelings is profound and striking yet it encourages people to act without God. What if what you felt was equally profound and striking… and encouraged people to act as God would have them do so. Only the insincere and lip servers hide behind Him, and thats probably who your aiming at. You can hit them without hitting Him. The true disciple of God seeks to help in the best ways he or she can, if there were more of them I think God or the idea of God, would cease to take the blame for tragedy.

Todd Face,

I’m glad that you took the time to write back your thoughts. You know how to put an opinion into print and I consider you a real Christian, but more importantly a good chap because you don’t judge others yet try to be good to those around you. That’s why I wanted you to look at my ideas. To help me out in my thought process…

Of the small amount of people reading this journal I only ask those that I think will not look down on me to read my battles in my head. I’m sure my opinions will change in the next couple years… I just have to take the time to examine other ways of looking at life to find my center. I’m aware I’m deep into searching my soul and only care to have real friends taking part in helping me form myself as a better person.

I guess it didn’t come across too well (or at all) but the main man I was aiming at, the main guy I blame is ME. I guess I started noticing my shortcomings and lazy thoughts. I’m angry at myself for just taking so long to be honest with myself and actively taking steps to become a better person to those around me. I don’t want to look back when I’m old and realize I didn’t do something with myself. That thought scares the crap out of me. I feel in someway that I’m, as you say, part of the “arrogant ungreatfuls who never deserved to be in such a state of ease.”

I would never put blame on God. If there is a God, I hope that he will appreciate the fact that I, for the first time, am trying to really, honestly find Him and myself. I’m guessing both those things are to be found in the same place.

I thought that I found God at 20. Man was I way off, I did find out that service makes one feel real good though, I found love for people I would have just passed by in my home life. But that’s what the twenties should be for eh? It’d be embarrassing to be going through this down the line.

I don’t ever plan on sharing what I write here with most, especially blind believers that haven’t peeked at the other side of things. I would hate to be the one that takes away the hope that religion puts in us. I also hope not to sound like some elitist thats better for rising above organized religion; it would be a scary place without any religion in this world. I may very well be totally wrong in my ideals. Most religion puts morals and hope into hearts, and that is a good thing.

I just believe that everyone has a different path to self-realization. I believe that faiths that look down on others who find their own path, seem off the real point in my mind. Yet we have many religions preaching that they are the only way to God. Their rituals are the only right ones. If God exists, I seriously doubt he cares about trivial rituals to decide who is good and who is not. Rituals can help a person come closer to their soul, nothing wrong with that, just when one claims that their rituals are the only ones that count. I would argue that its the betterment of the soul that matters.

Todd, even if you changed your mind on something you believed was not real, would you tell others that believed in it if it brought them joy and purpose? Case and point, I will never share my real thoughts with my own mother because I couldn’t do that to the most earnest, well-meaning woman in my life, who needs the comfort of afterlife to help her through her life. She had it real hard and needs to believe it will all be all right after this life, I’m so scared to fail her as an only child. Honestly I would have never stayed Christian for so long if it wasn’t for her.

I don’t think reconsidering my thoughts on God makes me any worse or better than anyone else; nor does it make me right or wrong. It is my own story I have to go with because it feels right. All I do know is besides knowing nothing, I feel that teachings like Christ inspired others, for example to treat others well, stand the test of time. That’s why I’m making the career choices I’m making to make the circle of my influence as big as possible so I can feel like I’m helping in my tiny way. Guess it’s me, a weak believer, desiring to do what Jesus was all about, regardless if I think he was the Almighty or not.

I do need to be more open and aware to what you pointed out: “I have seen a white middle class believer inspired by his or her belief in God, reach out to those born in hopeless circumstances and give hope.” I did really leave avoid that in this entry… You are totally right.

The entries I write are posted the same day, full of the passion I feel at the moment so that I can think about them and look back and see if I agree with them down the line.

Anyhow dude, I really do hope you know I am stoked that you actually took the time to put your thoughts down, it means you care and it’s a help to me.

Hey man, you know how we have a common situation in that we both think of God and religion completely differently now than what we did at 19-21, and that we both can’t stand the typical testimony sundays of the common byui ward because of the mindless jargon that comes out da peoples mouths? Do you think that your ideas would still be quite similar to those of twenty had you not come into this bubble of spiritual CGI?

The latter-day Saints have an established set pattern to salvation, “created and revealed by God through revelation”. Now at one time, you and I accepted that there was a specific way to succeed in this world (spiritually speaking) and at one time, you and I accepted that the prescribed method found in the church was the specific way. Since then I have completely put into question as to whether or not the LDS church has the correct method, but I still feel like the concept of “one method” is accurate. It should be noted that I also believe that God himself is quite tolerant of those who honestly search for the path and never find it in this life. But with you, I think not only have you placed doubt in the church (as I have) but also doubt in the very concept of “one way/path” I think this is completely okay, but again I ask, do you think that your indulgence to wonder out side of the lines is directly related to the fake sense of religion that is displayed here on the 10 blocks of so of Rexburg, ID. I am not a psychiatrist nor a foreseer but I think that when you leave here and live in Australia or where ever you may go, it may just be that as you observe people living by the dictates of there own libertarian methods… maybe there will be a recourse that surges through you…. but maybe not.

check it – I’m not sure who I’m voting on yet, ya know for Pres. I lean a bit more right in my political plat form, but that doesn’t mean I like McCain better. I have found myself in the last month fervently defending Obama, but that doesn’t mean I’m placing my ballad for him either. What I do know is that everyone in South East Idaho is fricken retarded and actually believes that Obama is the devil. How ridiculous is it that so many people say, “His name rhymes with Iraq, and his last name rhymes with Osama and his middle name is Husane.” Wow… that is Ass retarded. McCane rhymes with Husane does it not… infact in literal translation McCane would mean – the son of Cane. Oh yeah and the fact that both of them were named before we knew who Osam Binladen or Sadam even was makes them all the more intellegent. Oh yeah, and aren’t we somewhat taking care of Iraq right now so why should we care that Barrack sounds anything like it…. and why the hell am I even stooping to this level…. frick I hate these people. Have you heard this one, “Obama doesn’t salute the flag”…. shoot yourself. My brother in law, on this very issue said, “have you ever seen him salute it?”…. your kidding right? By that same logic Fillip, all but 100 people in this nation don’t salute the flag as far as I’m concerned. Anyway the point is that, I cannot handle it when retards make absolute statements towards things that they know very very little about… I feel driven to put them in their place. As a result all of my friends and family think that I’m liberal when really they’re just soooo into helping themselves feel aware and intelligent about things they should know but do not know. Just as it is with my stance in politics, so is it with religion. I’ve constantly tried to point out to people that they do not know in fullness the very thing that they so fervently attest to in front of the masses and the girl they’re trying to impress. This has not only caused me to appear doubtful about many gospel oriented principles but has actually placed real doubt in me as to whether or not the whole thing is a bit off. But ya know what? The church was never meant to sweep the world in hype. Never once has a leader stood up and played the crowd in an attempt to sway any one to jump on board. The church, from its foundations has always encourage a light display of conviction when referring to public scenes. It has always encouraged the individual to ponder in solitude and listen for the spirit. In fact this whole organization, as far as the “truth” of it goes, has never been anything but individually scoped. When I am away from the “scene” that exists here old feelings return and the heart of the matter is what I can focus on rather than the dick hole that really has no other means of impressing somebody other than to manipulate a spiritual essence. Maybe you are not wired like I am, but since I consider it to be possible I ask one more time, do you think that if you never came here, your thoughts would be so different know, and more importantly, when you leave do you think they will return?

P.S. sorry my grammar sucks, I’m sure it probably drives you nuts…. it was never my strong point.

Your grammar is good duude, no worries.

To answer, you know I used to be frustrated with the whole scene here, but now I’m ok with it. These are people that are the way they are because of situation. If someone feels they know the truth and it helps them be happy and contribute to others happiness, I am all for it.

What I do disagree with, as I said before, it the one way idea. In my head it feels outdated and exclusive. Yet again this is my story and it isn’t a fit for everyone. I believe I can do more good to myself, my friends and my future family by being true to myself even if it doesn’t completely gel with those around me. Its about finding a center.

My center has guided me to learn more from doing things with people and actual service than talking about it. While I’ve attended Sunday Service for most of my life, I feel strongly that I need to switch it with actual Sunday service. To actually plug in one day of the week and serve others, wether it is being a big brother or helping somehow in the community. I don’t know how to do it yet, but I’m going to figure it out. I would love to raise a family that always serves together on a regular basis, I believe that would teach so much about soul and spirit without the need of a pew.

My “specific way to succeed” has changed and honestly feels more at home in my soul than the doctrines ever were. I’m sure I would be laughed at here, but my “holy spirit” feeling is strong cause I feel centered, more than ever before. Now you may be right and I may feel the urging to be reunited with this religion in the future… but presently I don’t think it is possible to shut all the doors to my own reason after I took the time to open them.

I’ve always been passive in church, I’ve tried to fake it many times, but honestly this is what it comes down to:
Going to the temple has never been my bag, I almost didn’t go on a mission after my first time because it threw me off as being really weird and outdated. Yet I feel for some it is a great thing to do to establish hope in the afterlife. Nevertheless, I prefer hiking up a mountain or detaching myself from the city to truly feel the grandeur of life. But after I went to the temple for the first time I saw how much it meant to my mom and I felt going on a mission was still the right choice. To this day I still think it was the right choice. It made me grow and I was able to cheer up many people and gain an appreciation for service.

Scriptures, although usually really not my thing, may have given me some good things to think about, but writing a journal and reading books about heros in my day have given me far more.

Prayer has always been important to me, it helps me calm down, think and hope, I will never toss that aside. I simply address my thoughts to God and continue to do this daily.

The idea of priesthood has never really gelled with me, although I really think priesthood blessings work, not because of the actual exclusive rights to “priesthood” but because of the hope of a human spirit and genuine good intentions.

Paying a tithing is a good thing to learn self control with spending and sacrifice, but for me I would like to spend money on charities where I am personally involved. It would make me feel great about donating extra funds to a cause I am passionately involved in.

Our garments can be a great symbolic thing to remind us to be cleanly and virtuous, yet I feel that I don’t respect them as a church member should, so I’ve stopped wearing them as I don’t care to disrespect those to whom it truly has meaning. Similarly I’ve stopped taking the sacrament because I feel it is a sacred ritual for those that truly want to “renew their covenants.” I would feel like a hypocrite taking it. I still do like sacrament meeting because it gives me time to reflect on the week and hope for a couple good talks. I do enjoy listening to people who feel passionate about being better.

There are parts of this religion I am truly going to miss… to what extent I do not know. But in life nobody can be 100% content, I feel following my own path is the better choice, my own “specific way to succeed.” I can marry a woman and be completely who I am without worrying that she thinks less of me because I don’t do everything this culture asks for. I can look my future children in their eyes and tell them things I truly believe in, show them I’m walking the talk, and hope it empowers them. All the more, I feel I will avoid a midlife crisis because in everything I do, I try to be transparent and genuine. I’m sure my future will thank me for this.

Without this church I would have never come to these conclusions. It has helped me grow to the status of a man, now I have to follow through and keep growing on my own to build my own legacy. I have a duty to myself to make as much value in my life as possible and build an authentic story. I feel like a plant that has outgrown its pot.

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