I did it.
I took a BIG step in becoming a man. This supremely difficult step brought out frustrating emotions in my mother and myself. Scared and worried, I was able to look at her, knowing she wouldn’t accept what I had to say – and being her son who cares, I cannot stand lying to her – I finally collected enough audacity and told her, “I’m stepping away from the church.”
Three years ago I would have done everything to stop myself, yet now I feel this is the most important decision I have made in my life. This is no form of rebellion, I love the ideals the church stands for, most of my friends are believers and I would gladly stay in the church if I could make it sit right in my head. I plan on keeping most of the standards Christians stand for and staying friends with the church; focusing on the praise it deserves. I like to build, not tear down; sure there are things I disagree with, but overall I believe the church has a positive influence in it’s followers lives and in the community.
Jealousy and desire are what I feel when I meet believers who are convinced that God exists. Oh how I would LOVE to have that feeling inside of me, yet I cannot. Year after year I thought I would get that answer, God would let me know “I am.” I’ve laid awake shouting in my mind for him to answer me. DAMN IT, I need to know!
Nothing.
Spending two years serving a mission for my church trying to convince myself I knew. I would take normal experiences and put them in a light that backed up the existence of God. I lied to myself, I even twisted my thoughts when putting them in my journal. I thought that when my kids read my journal entries that they would need to believe I was better than I was… I couldn’t even be honest with my thoughts in my own damn journal. I wanted it so bad.
It feels as though the church is vanilla ice cream. It’s good, it fits many people… yet I have a problem with lactose. It’s just not for me, it doesn’t make it bad, it just means I need to find something good that sits right with me. Truthfully to me being in a state of “I don’t know” about God fits. For me, DOUBT is opening oneself to humility. I don’t like certainty when talking about God. Certainty and “knowledge” about God feels forced and close-minded. Sorry if this offends, but I deeply believe that anyone who says they KNOW (no matter how much of a confident air they put on) … really doesn’t, no matter how long he or she has taken to convince themselves.
How long is one willing to push against a wall if it doesn’t budge? If most of my friends and family wanted me to keep pushing to get an answer about God, when would I chose to focus my efforts on something other than the futile, at the risk of letting others down? I guess I am finding out.
At 25, I realize that life is too short to not have heart. It’s the heart that matters and the last six or so years of my life have not had my whole heart. Living a lie, I was trying to be someone I’m not. What’s funny is that I didn’t fully admit to myself that I was living a lie until over a year ago. I guess growing up means you have to take a real hard look at yourself. Finding yourself is torture, ripping yourself away from social expectations to see yourself as you are. It may sound melodramatic, but that is the best word that comes to mind – torture.
A lesson thats come hard is that to truly stand as a man, one needs to know when to say no. No to things that at the moment may be alright but will cause serious damage in the future. Saying no to your surrounding opinions when everything tells you yes except your gut. It’s recognizing that to be successful at life you cannot always please or be everything to everyone.
Saying no allows me to say yes to the things that really matter, yes to the life that I’m meant to live. It’s the growing pains inside that keep me up at night; it’s knowing that I have to act and overcome the suppression of beating heart. NO! I say. I cannot.. I can.. I must.
It’s painful to make a choice that will cause you to lose most of the social support you rely on. It’s hard to accept that this choice to live without the direction a church, it puts my life in my own hands. It’s mind boggling to accept that not everything in life is fair, that there may not be any afterlife to rectify all the misdeeds done. It sucks to know that when I lose loved ones there is a possibility I will never see them again. Coming to grips with impermanence is the hardest part.
Is it worth looking at all these dark existential ideas? I sometimes struggle to believe myself, but YES. Never before have I felt so alive. Being aware of death (not obsessing about it) makes life so much more exciting. I feel my maturing blood racing in my veins, I enjoying loving others, fully aware that I might lose them. I am alive.
I am better to those around me, I think my goals are smarter and my mind is opening up piece by piece. At this very moment I am living with heart. I am standing strong.
If I could put my soul into a picture, it is that of a growing evergreen tree, one that doesn’t change just to match the seasons. Wind is blowing dirt all around me but I am aware of my roots; it’s raining but I’m not moving. I know that eventually something will bring me crashing down but I’ll last as long as I can. I’m becoming one with my purpose and believe that my life is of some benefit to others. When people look at me they may see a struggling tree that is soaked and weathered by the surrounding, but perhaps after getting to know me, they see a tree with character. Roots that are firm in honesty and heart.
——————
Some Thoughts on taking this road less travelled:
My Philosophy Professor Brian Merrill. By far my favorite/smartest/engaging teacher I have ever had. He has a PhD in Philosophy and has studied at the University of Texas, Oxford University and BYU; he had the knowledge to actually make me think and pour over the ideas of geniuses like Kierkegaard, Hume and Plato. I swear I heard heads ‘POP’ in that class, as minds were actually stretching and considering foreign points of view. It was great to actually take the time to defend personal opinions on topics such as stem cell research, human evolution and the definition of evil.
Being a huge fan of the Ophelia Syndrome, I met with my professor to ask him to advise me on my faith dilemma. I trusted him because he told us at the start of class that he’s seen some Mormons leave the church after studying the history of the bible, but that in his experience, philosophy students where the most likely to fall away. I figure he had enough experience to help me either return to my faith as a true Christian or become a quality member of society – unaffiliated with any religion.
He said that he understands epistemology yet can say he knows that God exists. ”How do we know what we know?” Epistemology asks. To me it seemed as though his understanding of epistemology required him to practice doublethink. I asked him that even though he is committed to the church, doesn’t he think that perhaps his convictions are subconscious? Perhaps his need to know made him know.. perhaps life is easier for him if he believes he knows? He told me that the holy spirit gave him an answer that makes him even more convinced that God exists then his conviction that we were sitting in his office. He really seemed to express genuine certitude. Perhaps he really does know and if his convictions are spot on, hopefully he lets the big man upstairs know I was sincere and mislead in trying to find out if He existed.
Asking him what I should do if I have not received an answer by now, should I keep trying or is it more moral to follow your heart at the expense of abandoning your cultural beliefs, he answered me. He said he had to think and the office grew silent for about a minute, allowing me to observe his fingertips perched tips together like a tent on his desk, his eyes moving across the expanse of his desk, eyebrows tensing and relaxing and deliberate blinking of the eyes. He looked up and said he would answer me in two ways. FIrst he said he would answer me as a bishop and then as a philosopher.
The bishop answer was what one would expect. He told me that he doesn’t know how God functions but that it is necessary to keep striving for an answer and eventually God will answer. Guess maybe it’s the leap of faith. He continued that the knowledge you receive changes everything and makes you happy, putting true purpose into life. He told me many times that “it is worth it” to take the time to find out.
I told him that I had tried many times to get the answers, doing everything the church asks for, (no drugs, no alcohol, no sex, attending my church, going to the temple, reading the scriptures, praying night and day, wearing my garments *holy underwear*, paying ten percent of my earnings as a tithe, and really desiring to know the Lord). So I guess you can guess that some of those demands of the church gave me more trouble then others, but all in all I kept them all. Yet no answer.
This is the brilliant question Merrill asked me: “Do you really want to know?” I did. Now I don’t. This question caught me off guard, I was fooling myself thinking I could somehow come back into the fold without the desire. There is another thing I don’t know, how would my faith be if I really wanted to know, because for a while I’ve given up on knowing, content on living. I may never understand what he means by spirit because I’m caught up trying to explain it.
He explained to me that Mother Teresa only received one answer to her prayers, just one insiration to start on her life’s journey, but then doubted the existence of God to her death. Letters uncovered after her death showed conversation between her and her friends and superiors. Her dying wish was for these letters to be destroyed but the church kept them in their decision making process to elevate her to sainthood.
Here’s an excerpt from CBS:“Where is my faith?” she wrote. “Even deep down… there is nothing but emptiness and darkness… If there be God — please forgive me.”
“Such deep longing for God… Repulsed, empty, no faith, no love, no zeal,” she said. As her fame increased, her faith refused to return. Her smile, she said, was a mask. “What do I labor for?” she asked in one letter. “If there be no God, there can be no soul. If there be no soul then, Jesus, You also are not true.”
In the TIME article: “Jesus has a very special love for you. As for me, the silence and the emptiness is so great that I look and do not see, listen and do not hear. — the tongue moves [in prayer] but does not speak … I want you to pray for me — that I let Him have [a] free hand.” Mother Teresa to the Rev. Michael Van Der Peet, September 1979
Mother Teresa professed that she had unquestioned faith to the public, yet behind the scenes she was experiencing mental anguish. Doesn’t everyone, If they are truly honest with themselves?
Back to the other way he answered me. Merrill said that as a philosopher, sometimes people truly pick their path once they come to a crisis. He said that it seems as though I am at that fork in the road because I want to prepare to be a husband and father and that requires that I make some choices now. Not acting at this point was acting; anyway I handled the situation would affect me in a large scale. It would affect who I marry, it would affect my goals in life and it would affect my social surroundings.
He then told me that he feels that either way I will do well, which was surprising because I thought as a bishop he’s supposed to tell you that falling away is the biggest crime. He didn’t say that when answering as a philosopher and we spoke about the meaning God gives us and other things that can take the place of god.
——————
If I were to side with the idea of God, I’d lean towards sceptical deism. I have a similar hope, although no where near as much conviction, as that of one of my favorite genius leaders, Thomas Jefferson. Jefferson was similar to other founding fathers like Benjamin Franklin in his embrace of deism. They did not believe that Jesus was a son of God but did appreciate and learn from the morals Christ stood for.
Jefferson wrote a new bible mixing the four gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John into a chronological story that was void of any miracles, angels, prophecy, resurrection, and genealogy, ending in “Now, in the place where he was crucified, there was a garden; and in the garden a new sepulchre, wherein was never man yet laid. There laid they Jesus. And rolled a great stone to the door of the sepulchre, and departed.” This ended his bible, a story that chose to focus on the wise teachings of Jesus without trying to make Jesus into a God or something supernatural.
I myself love the teachings of Christ and feel that the supposed miracles were added to make the story fit with the superstitions of the day; including the virgin birth that had been used centuries before to signify a God.
I guess out of fear of being hated by orthodox Christians, Jefferson made sure that his bible was published after his death; however, he did share it with close friends during his life. Because of his leading contribution to the Declaration of Independence, church was separated from state, unlike England or Virginia’s unjust inclusion at that time:
“If a person brought up a Christian denies the being of a God, or the Trinity …he is punishable on the first offense by incapacity to hold any office …; on the second by a disability to sue, to take any gift or legacy …, and by three year’ imprisonment.” – Jefferson thankfully changes this scary law, Notes on the State of Virginia
Jefferson doesn’t refer to the Christian God, he uses a deist term “Nature’s God” in the declaration. He felt that it was up to each man to believe in whatever belief. He was famous for saying “the legitimate powers of government extend to such acts only as are injurious to others. But it does me no injury for my neighbour to say there are twenty gods, or no god. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.”
If God is not a actual person but rather natural collective intelligence, I side with Jefferson, it makes sense in my head.
Even George Washington and John Adams were anti-clerical in their teachings of organized religion. Washington went with his wife, a devout Episcopalian, to church but always turned and left when the communion was to take place. The preacher spoke with Washington about the influence his turning his back on the Lords supper would have on those present. Washington agreed and commended the preacher for his integrity and candor. After that talk, Washington never again came to Sacrament Sunday’s.
It wasn’t that Washington hated the church, rather it was that he didn’t believe in the same way and didn’t want to affect others around him in a negative manner. I understand how he felt even though I don’t have the influence he had. Still I feel weird sitting in church not taking the sacrament, if it’s not for me, why did I pretend for so long?
